Another one

I wrote this for an acting class as well. The assignment was to interview a classmate and create a monologue based on their answers. This girl had recently moved back home to get her B.A. after acting school did not work out the way she expected. She put a positive spin on the situation and said that she felt fulfilled even though she had given up on her dream, so these are not her words, but anyone who has ever studied acting knows that a lot of people drop out, and there are a lot of insecurities flying around. I tried to think about the people who left and what they must have been feeling, which was made easier by the fact that I was afraid that I would become one of them. Ultimately I did join the many who left, but looking back on the story I don't have the bitter feelings that I imagined. It still makes an interesting read, to me at least.

"I didn’t know it would hurt. I knew it in my head, but I couldn’t understand how it would really feel…or what it would do to me. The sudden shock of thousands of other people who are just like you trying to do exactly what you’re doing and doing a better job of it just leads to insecurities and loneliness that take over your entire life when you first strike out on your own, away from the protective familiarity of home…they fuck you up. Leaving home’s not supposed to be easy, but isn’t that just what people do? Don’t we all just swallow our pride and our loneliness and set out to follow our dreams? Our grand, glamourous dreams…mine was to be famous. Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be famous, and I was going to do it on the stage. I never doubted that I would do it someday…I just let myself dream. Those dreams grew so strong in my mind, they sustained me when life was hard, and they felt sometimes like if I couldn’t make them work right now then I would absolutely die…but they promised, with their intensity, that they would work. Someday. If the opportunity just came along…that’s right, isn’t it? That’s the drive to go out and accomplish something, that’s what you need to get things done…everyone knows that. I thought. But I should have asked…if everyone knows that, why do only some people actually achieve it? Maybe if I’d asked myself that instead of trusting my fantasies I wouldn’t have dashed off to Toronto to study acting the first chance I got. Maybe I wouldn’t have had to face up to the fact that I’m not that special…that I’m not going to rise above the crowd, shining with glory, showing everyone how it’s done and changing people’s lives while I’m at it. Maybe instead I would have figured out that the answer to my question…why do only some people make good on their promise…is because it’s a lie. It’s all a big lie. The future promises nothing. But before you can really understand that, you have to abandon everything that’s safe and comfortable and leap into abyss, hoping you land somewhere safe and comfortable…in my case, with my name on a marquee…but knowing you’re far more likely to land on a pile of jagged rocks. Even if you’re warned about it ahead of time, nothing can prepare you for the shock, the pain, the fear…you have to go through it all just to find out if you get to land safely. So maybe it isn’t worth it. Maybe you look for another way. Maybe you can finally put those grand dreams into perspective, and, maybe, you start to let them go. Maybe now you understand what I’m doing here, back at home so soon. I didn’t know it would hurt quite like that. "